I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
