I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I can't put those talents on a resume
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
