Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Damn victory sex feels great
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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