I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
