Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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