i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
