After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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