so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
