I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize