I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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