then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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