When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
