3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
