i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i love accidental penises.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
