don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
