dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
