I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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