She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize