i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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