got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
