I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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