worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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