VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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