just tell him i said nine months
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
sex in a hospital.. check
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
