1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
