I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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