you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
