he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
