I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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