Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
