We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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