Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
How external is "for external use only"?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
