so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
