It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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