I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
