She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
