this beer tastes like vomit already
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
