i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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