i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize