Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I am one with the molecules
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
