apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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