I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
And the cops told us we were all naked.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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