When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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