I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
