I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
