Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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