i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
