He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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