Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
