apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
