I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this beer tastes like vomit already
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
