There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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