we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
