i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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