My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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