and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize