his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
