Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
