I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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