A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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