I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize