I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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