that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize